Saturday, November 29, 2014

"Perhaps I am stronger than I think."

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've been thinking of things I've done, what I wish I had, and what I wish I hadn't done. Thinking about goals for myself, and where I go from here. Where do I go? What do I want? I have absolutely no idea how to answer any of these questions. All I know, is I want to do whatever it takes to make me happy.

I won't lie to you, I was lonely and I tried online dating. I met a few decent guys, but something didn't feel right. I met one, who made me laugh and smile more than I had in months. I hurt someone I considered to be my savior. I had been hurt, and torn to shreds and he had begun to pull me back together. I let him go before he had the chance to hurt me, and I had no idea how much he meant to me until I broke his heart. I wasn't ready for his care, and his affection. I was fine for a few months. Then it hit me how much I missed him. Maybe, I just missed having someone to count on to talk to, or lean on for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe I was just sick of being alone. Or maybe, I was just scared of falling for someone again. I won't ever know, because I ruined my chance. I tried online dating again, because I was lonely. I never met anyone like him while doing it again, and so I gave up. I deleted all my online dating accounts and it felt wonderful.

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified of being alone. I get anxious, and worried that I won't find my perfect person. Some days, it's even harder to hang in there than others. I would rather be alone, than to be hurt or hurt someone else. What's even worse than being hurt by someone, is hurting others. I never want to hurt someone again. If that means staying single for a long time, then so be it. For right now, I need to focus on myself. It's hard, and trying, but it needs to happen to find out what I really want out of life. Someday, I will find my happiness. It may not be now, or soon. Someday it will be here. I just have to be patient, and strong.

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