"Perhaps I am stronger than I think."

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've been thinking of things I've done, what I wish I had, and what I wish I hadn't done. Thinking about goals for myself, and where I go from here. Where do I go? What do I want? I have absolutely no idea how to answer any of these questions. All I know, is I want to do whatever it takes to make me happy.

I won't lie to you, I was lonely and I tried online dating. I met a few decent guys, but something didn't feel right. I met one, who made me laugh and smile more than I had in months. I hurt someone I considered to be my savior. I had been hurt, and torn to shreds and he had begun to pull me back together. I let him go before he had the chance to hurt me, and I had no idea how much he meant to me until I broke his heart. I wasn't ready for his care, and his affection. I was fine for a few months. Then it hit me how much I missed him. Maybe, I just missed having someone to count on to talk to, or lean on for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe I was just sick of being alone. Or maybe, I was just scared of falling for someone again. I won't ever know, because I ruined my chance. I tried online dating again, because I was lonely. I never met anyone like him while doing it again, and so I gave up. I deleted all my online dating accounts and it felt wonderful.

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified of being alone. I get anxious, and worried that I won't find my perfect person. Some days, it's even harder to hang in there than others. I would rather be alone, than to be hurt or hurt someone else. What's even worse than being hurt by someone, is hurting others. I never want to hurt someone again. If that means staying single for a long time, then so be it. For right now, I need to focus on myself. It's hard, and trying, but it needs to happen to find out what I really want out of life. Someday, I will find my happiness. It may not be now, or soon. Someday it will be here. I just have to be patient, and strong.

Sometimes we just need to pray...

Yesterday I received some very awful news. A very close friends father passed away after having a heart attack on Easter. He went peacefully, and that is all anyone could ever ask for. I'm thankful that his family didn't have to make any difficult decisions and that God made the decision for them. He will be happier up in Heaven. After having a stroke about three years ago, he was left wheelchair bound and couldn't talk very well. That didn't mean that he didn't know how to get his point across. When he wanted you to know something, he KNEW how to get you to figure it out. Though I never met him before he had his stroke, I believe we had some unspoken way of communicating. Somehow, I knew what he wanted, and somehow, he knew how to get it across to me. I was so afraid that he wouldn't accept me into their family, and that I wouldn't even know if he accepted me at all. As I look back now, I remember all of his smirks at the little dumb things I would do or say. The way he threw his hands up in the air when my friend and his mom left me hanging onto the Christmas tree and said, "sheesh!" because he was mad at them for leaving me. Even the way he hummed the Jeopardy tune when we went out to eat one time because we all couldn't decide if we wanted appetizers or not. I know he will be happier up there. I have not prayed in a very long time, and I have not given God a second thought. After last night however, I prayed. I prayed for the safety of my friends family. That their broken hearts heal and they remember the good times they had. I prayed that my friends dad was in a better place. Cheering and cursing the Cincinnati Reds and the Buffalo Bills from up above. I have never wanted happiness and forgiveness as much as I did last night. Lastly, I prayed to my friends dad. I prayed that he would forgive me for what I did yesterday, and that he would help me heal, just as much as he would help his own family heal.

Yesterday made me realize that I shouldn't cut people I love out of my life. That life can change in an instant, and that even though we may feel like we are in control of our own lives, someone else has control over us. Fate. I decided I was done cutting people out of my life, and I was going to start living and start making not only myself proud, but those around me proud.

R.I.P. Mr. Breig. You were a joy to get to know, and I am so very happy you have touched my heart.

Bucket list= Challenge for myself

I've decided to make a short term and a long term bucket list for myself. I need a challenge, and I want to accomplish things in my life. I want to enjoy life and not just let it pass me by. So here it goes:

Short Term Bucket List (1-2 years)
1. Gain the balls to give a guy my number ( on the fly)
2. Learn to dance and not get embarrassed
3. Gain confidence in who I am as a person
4. Move out on my own
5. Love the skin I'm in
6. Have a big bonfire or attend one
7. Experience being drunk ( I'm 22, I'd rather find out now than later. It's acceptable at my age...right?)
8. Get back to UC main campus
9. Attend a party on campus
10. Go to a Reds game
11. Go to the beach
12. Travel more on my own
13. Graduate college
14. Dress up and go to school
15. Go to Disney world

Long Term Bucket List (3-10 years)
1. Find a big girl job
2. Travel the world
      -Greece, Italy,Australia, England, Ireland, Germany, Peru
3. Move out of state
4. Get married
5. Have children- preferably 4 (2 of each, duh)
6. Own my own house
7. Go on a cruise
8. Adopt an animal
9. Own a horse
10. Go cliff jumping
11. Ride an elephant
12. Go scuba diving
13. See the Great Barrier Reef
14. Own a salt water aquarium
15. Swim with dolphins
16. Watch sea turtles hatch
17. Meet the other two Jonas Brothers
18. See NSYNC make a comeback and attend
19. Buy an amazing SLR Camera
20. Own a photography business on the side
21. Sell a photograph I've taken
22. Write a story of some sort

How do you know?

Dear heart,

How do you know when you're ready to love again? Right now, it feels as though you're carrying hundreds of burdens inside of you. How do you know when someone is the right person? That you aren't missing out on someone? Take all the time you need to heal. I will be readily waiting to find my perfect match. Promise you'll let me know? Help me embrace those around me who have stayed through my constant crying. Those who ran to me when I couldn't even form words. They are the ones who truly matter right now. Time will heal all heart. I will be waiting. Help me pick the perfect person for me. (Refer to my last post if needed)

All my love to pick up your pieces,

Courtney

What I Deserve and More

I have come to realize in the past week that I definitely deserve more in the next relationship I am in. I shouldn't be the giver all the time. I deserve to be the receiver as well. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I do too much giving and it's hard for me to receive things. I need to change that. I need to keep in mind that I deserve to be "treated like a princess," as one of my best friends keeps reminding me. There is someone out there for everyone, I just need to find that perfect person. Who would my perfect person be you ask? Oh, let me tell you!
   My perfect guy would be loyal, and trustworthy. I have had plenty of reasons to have trust issues in the past. Luckily, I have grown to realize that not every guy is an asshole.He would call me sometimes instead of texting me, especially when I hint that I miss their voice. It's just nice to actually have conversation than read texts all day. He will call me beautiful, and pretty, because I am in my own perfect way. My future love will make me laugh on the days that I won't want to laugh the most. He will want to cuddle when I am sad, and for no reason at all. He can come up behind me while I'm cooking and wrap his arms around me and kiss me on the cheek (hint, absolutely love that). Flowers? Heck yes. Lilies are my favorite. I also love Gerber daisy's. Most of all, I want my future love to make me a better person and I want to help them be a better person. Finding that someone that you can trust with your secrets and your entire life is scary, but its definitely worth the search.
   I deserve to be treated well, and be loved for who I am. I am not a perfect girl, but if someone gives me the chance, I could be their perfect girl. Honestly, I'm looking for the guy who will tell his friends I am the one. If you're reading this years from now and you're married to me, congratulations! You survived and have my trust completely. Don't lose it, and please love me for who I am and be there for me when I need you the most.


"Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing."- Torquato Tasso

Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.
Torquato Tasso
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/love_is_5.html#C1OpxvuG0Q2F5PtT.99

Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.
Torquato Tasso
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/love_is_5.html#C1OpxvuG0Q2F5PtT.99

How do you know?

How do you know who is going to be your soulmate in life? How do you know who the right person is for you? These are two of many questions running through my mind right now.

I've decided to tell my now ex boyfriend that I cannot communicate with him until after the holidays. Why? Because I'm hurt. More than I am letting on to be. Talking to him just gives me hope that something will change his mind. That maybe he will believe that he made a mistake and beg me to come back.  I cannot go on like this. I need to learn to live on my own. Find myself, and who I. Want to be. I need to remember who I was before dating him. What I wanted out of life and what I want in a future relationship with someone else. It may take me a lot of time to figure that out, but it's what is necessary.

First of all. Who was I before? I was a delicate, quiet person to strangers, and a loving friend to many.   How did I change? I became able to trust men because of my ex. He helped me become more confident with my personality and in my body. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore as I was before. I want to continue developing these traits as I grow older.

What am I looking for? An honest, chivalrous, sweet, kind, patient guy who will give me 110% of his love and attention. I deserve the best, and I should settle for no less. In the words of a close friend, we deserve to be treated as princesses, and she is absolutely right. Some day, my knight in shining armor will come clanging to my rescue when I least expect it. Hopefully, sooner than later, but I cannot rush true love.

My next few posts may be less uplifting, but who knows. I have got to take each day as it comes. If you're reading this and you're a close friend of mine who has been there for me all week, thank you. You're amazing, and I couldn't have gotten through this without you.

Moving on is tough, but necessary

So I realize I haven't been on here in well over a year. A lot has happened since then. For starters, my boyfriend of two years and I recently broke up. He decided he didn't see a future with me. Am I angry? Of course I am. I loved that man with everything I had. I would never ask someone to be with me if they weren't happy though. It's not worth it. Some day, I will find someone who treats me like a princess. Who is patient, kind, chivalrous, and can't go a day without me. He will put in 110% to our relationship. I cannot wait for that day to come. But for now, I need to grieve. For the next few day sum you might hear me wallow in self pity. It's okay. It's necessary. It's definitely okay to cry, and be upset. I've learned a lot and grown up so much in the past two years.

For now, this is goodbye. I will type tomorrow. I think it will be good for helping myself recover from a broken heart.